My dear friend Viki has thrown down the gauntlet. She is challenging herself to make space for her writing by posting on her blog once per week this year and has challenged me to do the same.
I want to write more. But there are times when I don’t always want to share what’s going on with me in my life, and writing to the public is hard. Despite the fact that I write on a blog with my name on it, I’m a pretty private person. Things may be unsettled, or busy … or maybe I just want to ruminate on a thing before saying something about it.
But this blog is a journal. And so being, the purpose should be to authentically document the process, not just the conclusions. I accept Viki’s challenge and will not wait until I have a conclusion about a thing to write about a thing. And so:
What is true love?
I have been thinking about this question for the last several years, most especially since I became single — which was a choice I made not because my relationship at the time was bad, but because I wanted something else. (It was mutual, and I’m happy to report he now has a wonderful girlfriend and this fills me with joy for them both.)
I didn’t know what this “else” was, though, which is the tricky part. At least I was wise enough to know I wouldn’t be ready for the kind of relationship I craved until I understood something, though. About myself, about what I wanted, about how to love. Because whatever this unknowing was, it was standing in the way of fulfillment. I only knew that when I knew, I’d be ready — I’d recognize love and be open and available to it.
“… It can be said that we cannot even know what it means to be in love with another until we are at home with ourselves. Before that, our own special gifts and strengths may not be accessible to us. It takes courage to become who we are. In order to do this we must yearn to live a life in which we are fundamentally true to ourselves. We risk losing others or their approval of us. When we live from our true selves, however, a new kind of strength comes to us. This strength is not relinquished when we love another, but grows more intense.” — Zen and the Art of Falling in Love
Being single at this age is a strange, strange thing. I think some people may perceive me to be someone who has chosen a life of solitude or independence. Some assume that I must be desperate to find a husband (this is typically an assumption made by men who are looking for a wife). Both of those assumptions are wrong. Quite the opposite in fact: I want more than being alone or just being “not alone.” Call me crazy — I want true love!
So about dating, oh dating … I’m so not cut out for it. I crave a deep spiritual and emotional connection, but how can I find that in this strange scenario where people are dating volumes of people, judging me on superficial qualities and first impressions? I give people who can do this and find love in the process so much credit, I really do. But because I fundamentally don’t believe this is how I will meet the love of my life, each date I go on generally reinforces this belief.
And so it goes, as Vonnegut says.
I simply believe when we don’t know who we are, when we don’t know how to find fulfillment from within, we will always look to someone else to meet our needs — which is impossible, and inevitably creates suffering, dissatisfaction and loneliness from inside a relationship. My path back to love has not been a journey of dating, it has been a journey of self-discovery. I needed to be alone for that. It’s not the state in which I want to live forever, but it’s what I needed to do at the time. And when I was ready, it came to me … just like I always knew it would.
Love found its way home when I understood we must be complete from within and capable loving without expectations and attachment. But my lessons don’t stop there. They’re just beginning. For one thing, not being afraid of happiness itself is something I know I’ll have to practice daily.
Willy Wonka: “Charlie, don’t forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted.”
Charlie: “What happened?”
Willy Wonka: “He lived happily ever after.”
And this is where my journey is in this moment.
“Being with someone we feel is perfect can make us even more painfully aware of our own imagined inadequacies. Deep down we may also believe that this relationship cannot last because we do not really deserve it. Waiting for this rejection to take place can be so painful sometimes that some do things to actually bring it about. They show their worst side, pick fights, test the other continually. Anything to get the painful rejection over with! Many destroy the relationship before it sneaks up from behind and destroys them instead.Is love a game of destroy or be destroyed? Needless to say, this sense of love is bound to bring fear in its trail. The more we are aware of how we unnecessarily shake up our relationships, the easier it is to stop ourselves. We do not have to live our life on automatic pilot, listening to our secret serpents.” – Zen and the Art of Falling in Love
By now I know you’re wondering, “Does this mean she’s met someone?” Perhaps in time I’ll share a little more, in the meantime if I’m not writing a whole lot on this blog know that it’s probably because there are very good things occupying my time.















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